


Kaleidoscopic Shards

by aqd



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Alternate Universe - Space, Angst, Desperation, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One Shot Collection, Rage, Suffering, canonverse, more tags will be added, space
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-09
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-12 02:24:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11152233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aqd/pseuds/aqd
Summary: It happens sometimes around missions, mostly after. Like iridescent bubbles on the surface of murky water. The moments are short and soft and Kanda doesn’t understand what’s happening, but he still doesn’t burst them.(One-Shot Collection, Lavi & Kanda)





	1. Sometimes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It happens sometimes around missions, mostly after. Like iridescent bubbles on the surface of murky water. The moments are short and soft and Kanda doesn’t understand what’s happening, but he still doesn’t burst them.
> 
> (canonverse)

It happens sometimes around missions, mostly after. Like iridescent bubbles on the surface of murky water. The moments are short and soft and Kanda doesn’t understand what’s happening, but he still doesn’t burst them.  
  
They lie next to each other on Lavi’s ruffled bed in the messy room he shares with Bookman. The old man is on a mission, without his successor. Rays of sunshine spill into the small room and dust particles dance through the air. The sun enlightens Lavi’s hair, which is as messy as his room. The red strands nestle to his cheeks and forehead and hide his eyepatch nearly completely. He’s different than usual, less exuberant, less gaudy. He is normally too much of everything, but in those moments he’s more reserved and Kanda gets the feeling that he catches a glimpse behind his façade.  
  
They don’t talk, they just examine each other. Lavi’s eye keeps wandering over his face and Kanda knows that he’s beautiful right now. Less stern, less harsh, less angry. The soft blush on Lavi’s cheeks confirms it. Maybe it’s one of his masks, maybe he hides behind it. His eye is very green and very shuttered. Kanda doesn’t know and he doesn’t want to know.  
  
Sometimes Lavi reaches out and tentatively touches his hair. He never undoes his hair tie, instead he wraps a long dark strand around his fingers. It shines like wet lacquer in the sunlight. Sometimes his soft fingers touch his lashes, his lips, his face. His perfect, unblemished, artificial face. Lavi’s face isn’t perfect. It has flaws in form of a fine faint line on his cheek, right under his eyepatch. A tiny birthmark on the lid of his good eye. Freckles on his cheeks and nose. His face is a little asymmetrical, something Kanda notices for the first time.  
  
Sometimes he touches Lavi. He reaches into his hair, sometimes he slips a finger under the eyepatch and pushes the worn out piece of fabric up. He carefully touches the sunken eyelid, the scars. The skin is a little less tanned than the rest of his face. Kanda’s own skin is very fair, because even sun doesn’t leave behind any marks on him. His immaculate hand looks synthetic against the naturalness of wild red hair and scattered freckles.  
  
Sometimes they kiss. Kanda never initiates, but he also never fends off. Lavi moves towards him and the touch of their lips is fleeting. He draws back a little and examines Kanda’s eyes, which are as shuttered as his own. Kanda bridges the few centimetres between them and feels Lavi’s eyelashes against his cheeks. He doesn’t close his eye, so does Kanda. Lavi’s mouth is softer than his own and his lips are not as chapped. Lavi’s inky fingers find their way into his ponytail and they keep exchanging innocent kisses, feathery and almost chaste. The scent of ink and parchment reaches Kanda’s nose. Asides from their lips and Lavi’s hand in his hair they don’t touch.  
  
Sometimes their kisses are less innocent. Kanda waits until Lavi opens his lips and the kiss deepens. It’s slow and he feels warmth creeping over Lavi’s face and his neck. Sometimes Kanda wraps an arm around his waist, sometimes he’s on top of him. Lavi’s eye flutters shut and only then he closes his own eyes. It’s slow and soft and he feels Lavi’s heartbeat quicken, while his own heart stays steady and unfazed, independent of the heat behind his lips. Sometimes little sounds escape Lavi’s lips and get lost between dancing dust particles and crooked stacks of records. Their hands explore, but always above clothing. It’s intense and unveiling and sometimes Kanda’s mouth wanders over Lavi’s neck. He tilts his head back and Kanda’s teeth are over his throat and sometimes he wonders why Lavi abandons his paranoia when he’s with him, of all people. Lavi’s seems to think the same and examines him closely. Kanda holds the eye contact easily and his face is as unfathomable as Lavi’s, when he lowers his head and softly bites him. Silent laughter passes Lavi’s lips and it’s as artificial as Kanda’s whole entity.  
  
The moments still keep happening. They hardly talk with each other and sometimes, rarely, Lavi falls asleep next to him. It’s not a deep sleep, he’s still vigilant and Kanda only has to sit up and his eye is open again.  
  
“You have to leave,” he says and his voice is more even than usual. It’s probably another façade, a mask behind the mask. Kanda doesn’t care. He nods and touches his hair. Lavi lays a hand on the back of his head and it’s one of the innocent kisses. The feeling sometimes lingers on his lips, even days after the last kiss. “Be safe,” Lavi says and both know that it’s an empty phrase, because he can’t die, even if he wanted to.  
  
Kanda gets up and leaves without a word and the bubble bursts. His lips still keep tingling.


	2. Those days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s one of those days. Kanda feels it.  
> He closes his eyes and the scent of lotus and blood is nearly smothering.
> 
> (canonverse)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments and kudos! :)

It’s one of those days. Kanda feels it.  
  
He lies in bed and stares at the ceiling, while it sloshes slowly over him. Those days, they are rarer these days. When he was younger he had them nearly daily, especially right after the catastrophe, the second act of his personal tragedy. They became less frequent with the years, but from time to time they appear.  
  
He closes his eyes and the scent of lotus and blood is nearly smothering. Grey morning light spills through his broken window and a cold breeze moves his hair slightly. He sighs and gets up.  
  
He slips in his clothes and ties his hair back. His hands are cold. It sits right under the skin. His legs and arms feel heavy but he’s going to train, because that’s one of the scarce things that help a little.  
  
He walks through the empty corridors and his steps echo from the empty walls. He’s the only one awake, at least in this part of the building. It’s silent, but the coldness rushes in his ears. He walks through the entrance hall and the gate. The morning sun is blinding and he has to blink. It’s cold, but not as cold as in his chest and behind his eyes.  
  
He walks and walks, Mugen in his hand. One of his two loyal companions. The other one lies right now shrouded by coldness somewhere under his skin. Soon he reaches the small forest and watches leaves sinking down, yellow, orange and red. He unsheathes Mugen and drops his coat.  
  
He leaps through the brisk autumn air and destroys the colourful spots before they reach the ground. They disappear in a sea of grey in grey, but at least his chest feels less tight like this. The cold air reminds him of dark basements and water-filled holes. Sometimes when he wakes up, he feels like back then. Soaking wet, freezing, weirdly vulnerable. A newborn with eyes too mature. Alma’s face appears in front of his eyes and the coldness threatens to crush him. He keeps moving, gracelessly destroying leaves, his movements angular.  
  
The coldness is everywhere. It sits in his muscles, in his lung, in his brain. Kanda wants to scream, but he doesn’t, because it’s not going to help. Years ago, right after the calamity, he has spent hours with screaming, skulking off and hiding his face in his rumpled coat. He has screamed and screamed and screamed, until he was coughing blood, only to scream even more after his vocal chords had healed. His voice has lapsed into silence over the years. Sometimes he spends days without talking. He becomes more and more silent, more rigid, more frozen. Sometimes he examines his hands and wonders, why they don’t shatter in a million pieces with the smallest movement.  
  
His accuracy decreases and he knows that he has to eat. It’s already midmorning. He sheathes Mugen and starts to walk back. He can already hear the liveliness of hundreds of persons plying their work. And his second companions starts to awake. It’s rage, his oldest friend, his guardian. Rage takes over whenever Kanda reaches his limit.  
  
The dining hall is full of people. Somebody raises a hand to greet him, but his eyes can’t focus. They’re pointed at something faraway, hidden in clouds of warm breath in cold air. He waits until it’s his turn and Jerry’s smile is too bright. It stings in his eyes and he has to look away.  
  
“Soba,” he says and it’s his first word today. His vocal chords feel stiff, likely due to the coldness. Jerry starts to blather, but his words hardly get through the rushing in his ears. Somebody bumps into him and his old friend rage starts to romp in his chest. He takes his meal and parts the crowd. They fear him and his outbursts, of course they do. Anybody knows that he has a short fuse. They stumble out of his way and he marches towards an empty table and sits down. It’s too loud and the many-voiced noise lies heavily on his ear drums.  
  
Rage repulses the coldness, at least a little. His hands start to become warmer, the chopstick tremble in his fingers. Nobody sits down at his table, a few even eat while standing. A tray falls down and dishes shatter and the sound is too loud and piercing. He closes his eyes to keep rage from oozing out of them. He hardly manages to eat more than a few bites. His teeth are too busy with grinding.  
  
He gets up and wants to leave, but once more somebody bumps into him, hard enough to knock the tablet out of his hands. Soba land on his clothes and he blazes up. The coldness is gone, instead he’s seething. It’s a finder, young and inexperienced. Kanda can hardly see him through the flames. His apology gets drowned out by the crackling of his oldest companion. The finder stumbles back and suddenly somebody is between them.  
  
Lenalee. She talks insistently to him and her hands dance over his arms without touching him.  
  
“Just go.” He hears it barely. “Leave.”  
  
It takes all his might to brush past them and leave the dining hall. The staccato sound of his steps drives him even more up the wall. He stomps through the halls and corridors and shoves everybody aside, who’s unfortunate enough to get in his way.  
  
He goes, nearly runs downstairs and towards the basement. Leaving daylight behind makes his skin crawl and now he really feels like back then. An artificial child, somewhere underground. He passes the dojo and keeps walking until he’s already seeing them. A room with sandbags, hanging down like overripe fruits from a tree. The room is deserted and he doffs his stained shirt and then he starts to lash out.  
  
On his worst days his old companion lays its claws around him and squeezes and bruises him, until he can’t breathe anymore. The smell of burning flesh is smothering. Anger brims out of his mouth, stings in his lungs, contracts his vocal chords. He strikes at the sandbag and his hands feel like bleeding. Of course they don’t. Even his demons leave no visible marks behind.  
  
On these days he understands Alma and his endless anger. He wants to break bones, bash heads in, rip flesh apart. Instead he vents his wrath on the sandbag until it tears. The filling spills out on the floor and he steps to the next. This goes on for ages, until every single one of them is ruined. His hands hurt terrible, but they still don’t bleed. His old companion lies curled up somewhere in his rib cage and hibernates until the next little thing is going to infuriate him.  
  
He hears a sound and turns around. Lavi’s hair is too bright and Kanda casts his eyes down. He sits cross-legged next to the door and examines him calmly. He doesn’t smile. He also doesn’t say anything, instead he just looks at him and tilts his head slightly.  
  
Kanda can’t stand this expression, so different than his usual cheerful demeanour. It’s more reserved, more honest. It’s too intimate. He doesn’t remember when Lavi started to look like this at him. He only knows that it’s terrible and he has no idea how to deal with the warmth in Lavi’s eyes.  
  
“Fuck off,” Kanda says and his voice sounds as hollow as he feels.  
  
Lavi looks at him for a long moment, before he gets up and slowly nods. “Okay.” His voice is too soft and Kanda can hardly bear it.  
  
“Fuck off,” he repeats and has to look away.  
  
“I’m already leaving,” Lavi answers calmly and now he smiles. It’s less blinding than usual, less fake. “I’m gonna check on you later.” He examines him for a last moment and leaves. Kanda waits until the sounds of his steps cease and goes to take a shower.  
  
The water is cold and so is he. Exhaustion nestles deep in his bones, under his flesh. It’s not physical, it goes way deeper. Residues from his first death, in murky water and surrounded by detested lotus. The smell is back and it’s stifling. He suppresses to gag and towels himself off.  
  
It’s only afternoon, but he still walks back to his room and disappears under his blanket. His wet hair leaves behind damp spots on the linen and he closes his eyes. He hates those days. Alma’s laugh resonates in his ears and he wants to scream. He remembers the slick feeling of his bloody hands and the irony smell. Alma, poor Alma, slaughtered and left behind underground. Kandas eyes wander to the window and to the pale blue sky Alma didn’t even see once in his short second life.  
  
It softly knocks and Kanda stays silent, but that doesn’t discourage Lavi. He opens the door and slips inside.  
  
“What can I do?” he asks and there is this softness again. Kanda sits up.  
  
“Nothing,” he answers and darts him a short cautious look.  
  
Lavi examines him and shoves his hands into his pockets. “Tea? Or something to eat?”  
  
Kanda shakes his head and his eyes roam through the room. It’s full of lotus. Lavi stands nearly knee-deep in bloom and Kanda’s bed is like a raft in a sea of white and rose. _They_ appear and gracefully dance through petals. Their soft laugh echoes from the empty walls of his room and their voice cut right through him.  
  
“ _I’ll love you forever_.”  
  
“Why won’t you leave?” Kanda asks through his teeth and squeezes his eyes shut and now Lavi comes a step closer. They disappear with a last rustling of their dress and the two of them are alone again. Lavi’s movements churn the flowers and petals fly up and slowly rain down on them.  
  
“Because you look awful. What can I do?” he asks and the red of his hair clashes with rose bloom. He didn’t ask once about the reason for those days.  
  
“Nothing,” Kanda repeats and looks up to him. He’s already long gone, out of reach of inky hands. The coldness in his chest compresses his lungs and he examines Lavi, who softly frowns at him.  
  
“I wish I could do something,” he says silently and his hands start to fidget with Ōzuchi Kozuchi.  
  
‘ _So do I_ ,’ thinks Kanda resignedly and reaches into the sea of white and rose and crushes soft petals between his cold fingers.


	3. waste and void

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day the stranger fell from the sky started like a normal day. 
> 
> (SciFi AU, space colonization, future, solitude)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the kudos and the wonderful comments! You made me very happy :))
> 
> I listened to "A Warm Place" by Nine Inch Nails while writing, a beautiful song. 
> 
> Trigger warnings: mild sexual content, implied death

The day the stranger fell from the sky started like a normal day.  
  
The pale morning light spilled through a fogged window onto worn-out floor and the surveyor’s few belongings. Threadbare clothes, all in different grey shades. A few books, fallen apart and glued back together, some with missing pages. Photos, crinkled and faded out. Canned goods, stacked and reaching the ceiling, the labels starting to peel off.  
  
And his most valuable possessions: his maps. Hundreds of them. Rolled together in an aged shelve. Every single one of them contained hundreds of hours of work. Endless hours of driving, walking, surveying and mapping.  
  
The sky was pale blue and the two suns were right next to each other. One gleaming and bright, the other one smaller and a less blinding. The planet, which was orbited by the deserted moon he called his temporary home, was not visible right now, hidden behind the horizon. The other moons were scattered over the sky, all in different phases. Only one was close enough to see craters and different shades of grey. The others were farer away and their details were only visible through his old telescope.  
  
Thin clouds wandered over the sky and disappeared behind faraway mountains, the highest he had ever seen. They weren’t mapped, even though several of his predecessors and colleagues had lost their life while trying. He had never been keen of mountaineering and he wasn’t willing to die, all alone and shattered at the bottom of nameless mountains.  
  
The landscape was aside from the mountain chain very even and seemed to be endless. Grey and brown, hardly ever green. Different kinds of lichen and moss, sometimes plain grasses. Tohu wa-bohu, waste and void. Sometimes he spent days seeing nothing but brown and grey. The only dash of colour was his hair, but even that started to fade due to hours, days, weeks, months, years under the light of two suns. The roots were still dark red, the lengths a pale orangey brown. Together with his grey clothes he blended perfectly with the landscape.  
  
The day was like any other day. He got up, packed whatever he needed and got into the ramshackle vehicle, which was older than him and his loyal companion. He drove for hours and periodically examined his current project: an unfinished map. He drove until he reached uncharted area and started his work.  
  
The suns slowly crawled over the sky and the distance between them grew. Moons rose and set, one disappeared behind the planet, which slowly appeared behind the mountains. A gas giant, as pale blue as the sky and nearly invisible at this time of the day. Hours went by and the only sound was the wind and the scratching of the pen on the map. He changed his position at regular intervals, and his only companion rendered him loyal service.  
  
It was a normal day, until movement caught his eye. He stopped and shielded his eye from the suns. A condensation trail. A thin, long, white line, wandering over the sky. Clearly manmade. He slowly walked to his vehicle and bent over the board computer, which started to beep, a piercing sound. A signal.  
  
SOS.  
  
His heart started to race for the first time in months and he quickly gathered his devices, before he started the engine.  
  
The object, likely a spacecraft, crashed only minutes later. Shortly afterwards he received coordinates and another SOS. He signalled back and accelerated.  
  
In the end it took him hours until he arrived at the crash site. The brighter sun was hidden behind the planet and his world was wreathed in the dimly light of the second sun. Mountains and sky dislimned. The headlights touched a person, lean and dressed in dark blue, and he braked hard. He jumped out of his vehicle and ran towards the first person he saw in years.  
  
He was barely hurt and strikingly calm for somebody, who made it to his escape capsule by the skin of his teeth. The spacecraft was somewhere lost behind the mountains. They scavenged the capsule together and shortly afterwards they sat in the vehicle.  
  
The surveyor introduced himself, his voice raucous and unused. “My name is Lavi.”  
  
“Kanda,” replied the pilot and stayed composed, even after Lavi explained that the satellite, which was their only gateway to the universe, had crashed a few years prior. It was impossible to make contact and the only thing they could do was to wait for the supply vessel.  
  
“How long?” Kanda asked.  
  
“Sixteen months,” Lavi answered and the pilot’s face stayed perfectly calm. 

  


The day Kanda fell from the sky was the land-mark on the deserted moon. The normal days were over.

  


They were a good team. Kanda was a surveyor, like Lavi, the only difference were their field. Lavi, dressed in grey, was a land surveyor. Kanda, dressed in dark blue, was a space explorer.  
  
Kanda didn’t ask after his eye and the rest of his team and Lavi didn’t ask after his co-pilot. Both of them had spent years alone, accomplishing their duty. Lavi on the surface of a deserted moon, Kanda in the eternal blackness of space.  
  
Kanda was very taciturn and serious. He was a talented tinkerer and managed to repair nearly all of the devices, which had broken down in the last years. He was also faster and stronger than Lavi, even though he was smaller and leaner than him. It wasn’t a surprise. The symmetry and immaculacy of his face and body gave it away. The genetic elite, conceived in vitro and born into perfection.  
  
They acted in concert. Lavi surveyed and pegged, Kanda took care of the data input. Lavi talked and talked and talked, while Kanda listened silently, his fingers dancing over the keyboard of the board computer.  
  
Months passed by and after a while Lavi started to survey him. Probably due to the years in isolation, amidst brown and grey and endless solitude.  
  
He scrutinized him, at night in the small tent on one of their expeditions. First with his eye, later with mouth and hands. Uncharted terrain, right in front of him and only hidden beneath dark blue clothes and not endless vastness. Kanda let him explore.  
  
He stood out between dust and pale sky, other than Lavi, who had slowly started to merge with the landscape. Brown in brown, grey in grey. Kanda’s calm face somehow managed to hold him together, to prevent him from crumbling into dust.  
  
Lavi enjoyed pushing his buttons, though Kanda didn’t make it easy for him. He mostly ignored his teasing, jokes, pushing his boundaries. Sometimes he snapped at him, but those outbursts were short. Afterwards Lavi watched him walking through dusty lifelessness. It was easy to spot him, dark clothes and black hair amidst flat terrain. The only moments he lost his composure were the nights, together in the tent. They were way too close together and it was stifling and too hot in the small tent. His hands delved over hills and valleys, landmarks in form of faint scars, jut of hip and collar bones. His eye kept wandering over Kanda’s face and absorbed the details of his rapture, silent and intense. 

  


Sometimes they sat next to each other in the darkness on the dusty ground and examined the sky with their naked eyes. Lavi’s telescope lay forgotten in the tent.  
  
The planet, still illuminated by the suns, loomed over the blackness of the sky, vividly and beautiful. The thin pale rings, which were nearly invisible during the day, casted sharp shadows on the endless blue. One of the smaller moons, dark and full of craters, stood out in front of it.  
  
The rest of the sky was full of stars, thousands and thousands. Lavi had a catalogue with constellations, but that didn’t stop him from spotting and naming his own. He pointed them out to Kanda, even the ridiculous ones, and the pilot listened in silence.  
  
After a while Lavi’s attention was caught by the line of Kanda’s neck and he started to explore once more. Kanda’s hands found their way into his hair and under his uniform, while Lavi’s mouth wandered over his neck. After months of exploration hardly any part of Kanda was still uncharted. Except for the one behind his unfathomable eyes.  
  
Lavi drew back a little and examined him. The planet was reflected in his dark eyes and Lavi frowned softly.  
  
“Kanda?” he said and the pilot looked at him.  
  
“Yes?” he asked calmly and his thumb brushed over Lavi’s bottom lip.  
  
“I love you,” he whispered and took his face in his hands. “Kanda, I love you.”  
  
Kanda’s face stayed composed and he examined him for a long moment, before he answered.  
  
“Of course you do. There is nobody else to love.”  
  
Lavi’s throat started to feel tight and he lay back on the hard ground and looked at the multitude of stars.

  


Finally the time had come, after sixteen months of only the two of them. It was the day the supply vessel would come, together with a new crew. Lavi packed his few personal belongings and together they drove for hours.  
  
Kanda noticed his fidgety hands, but didn’t ask. His dark eyes examined him from time to time, until Lavi couldn’t bear the silence anymore.  
  
“Kanda,” he said. Kanda looked at him, composed and unreadable. “Do you love me?” His voice wasn’t firm.  
  
Kanda looked at him, before he hesitated. His eyes wandered over the sky. The ship. It raged over pale blue and he exhaled deeply.  
  
“Stop.”  
  
Lavi examined Kanda and decelerated. There was a deep frown on his face.  
  
“What’s wrong?”  
  
They stopped and Kanda left the vehicle without answering. Lavi got out and walked towards him.  
  
“What’s wrong?” he repeated.  
  
Kanda stayed silent and deeply sighed. He wanted to ask again, but then the ship himself gave an answer. The explosion was soundless. He took a step back and then another.  
  
“No,” he said.  
  
It was very silent for a while and Lavi had the feeling to drown in the endless of grey and brown. Kanda turned around to him and examined him.  
  
“You know what that means, right?” asked Lavi and his breath slowed down, like always when he saw his calm, beautiful face.  
  
“Our stocks are running low. We’re going to die here,” he answered and a joyless laugh escaped Lavi’s lips.  
  
“We’re gonna die,” he said and turned towards the planet, nearly invisible. Blue in blue. “Kanda, we’re gonna die.”  
  
“Yes.” Kanda stood next to him and likewise examined the planet.  
  
They were silent for a long time, before Lavi laid an arm around his waist.  
  
“Do you love me?”  
  
Finally Kanda lost his composure. It was the first time Lavi saw him smiling. “Of course I do.”  
  
“Because there is nobody else to love,” added Lavi teary-eyed and had to laugh. He kissed him on the cheek and hid his face in his hair. “I love you.”  
  
“I know.” They kissed and then Lavi’s eye wandered towards the mountains.  
  
“Did you ever go mountain climbing?” he asked and embraced him. His nose brushed Kanda’s cheek.  
  
Kanda didn’t answer. Instead he kissed him once more.


	4. Another one of those days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you know this flower?” They laugh and it’s such a sweet and soft sound that it nearly rips Kanda apart. His movements churn up murky water and he keeps his head down, because the sky is so endless blue and beautiful. 
> 
> (canonverse, continuation of "those days")

They’re on a mission and Kanda ignores Lavi’s blathering, which - of course - doesn’t discourage him. He talks and talks and talks, while Kanda stays tenaciously silent.  
  
Lavi comments on everything: the beautiful landscape, how nice the inn was where they stayed the night before, the fact that one of their finders is French. They talk in French and Kanda isn’t even surprised that Lavi is fluent. It’s not the first time he hears him talking in the mother tongue of one of their comrades.  
  
Kanda speaks a little French, overheard in the last years with his General. Tiedoll often talks in his mother tongue, mostly while soliloquising. He doesn’t like the sound of the language, it’s too soft.  
  
He’s annoyed, but everything goes well.  
  
At least until they reach a body of water and have to wade through it. The water rises and after a few minutes he’s up his chest in murky water. Kanda strongly dislikes water, it reminds him of holes in the ground and cold air. Then he sees them.  
  
Lotus, hundreds upon hundreds of flowers, likely even more. A sea of white and rose, right in front of him. Kanda falters and coldness spreads out from his chest to his limbs.  
  
“Oh, that’s so beautiful.” Suddenly Lavi stands next to him and his smile is genuine. Kanda closes his eyes for a moment and then he starts moving again. There is no other way, they have to wade through it until they reach the shore.  
  
Soon he reaches the first flowers and the smell touches his nose. He grits his teeth and starts to breathe through his mouth, slowly and shallowly. Silky petals brush over his hands and cheeks and he starts to move faster. He can’t see the shore, only white and rose and it makes his skin crawl. The sight is stifling.  
  
_They_ appear, right next to him. Out of sight and out of reach. He resists turning his head towards them, because they’re going to disappear out of his field of vision, no matter how often he tries to properly see them. He hears the rustling of a dress and sees light hair.  
  
“ _Do you know this flower_?” They laugh and it’s such a sweet and soft sound that it nearly rips him apart. His movements churn up murky water and he keeps his head down, because the sky is so endless blue and beautiful.  
  
Lavi is behind him and starts to talk about the symbolism of lotus, about purity and faithfulness.  
  
“ _It’s a lotus_.” Kanda quickly moves his head and catches a glimpse of a smile. For a second he remembers the faint feeling of lips, so much softer than his own, before it disappears, right out of reach. This happens often. He remembers something and then it vanishes right under his fingers. The scent grows stronger, it’s smothering. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes for a moment.  
  
“ _It’s born from mud_.” Their voice is beautiful. Very soft and very tender, so much unlike Kanda. He’s shivering, the coldness is consuming him. He freezes, a little bit more with every day. The French finder starts to talk about the tulips in his mother’s garden and he hears a smile in Lavi’s voice as he answers.  
  
“ _Pointing upward heaven_.” He looks up and it’s a mistake. The endless blue threatens to crush him and for a moment he feels like back then. Bloody and horror-stricken, because he just killed his friend, his first and only friend. Guilt rams its sharp claws into the inside of his ribcage.  
  
“ _A flower that blessed the world._ ” He hears child’s laughter, Alma’s and his own. It’s so hard to breath and so dark, even in bright daylight. Another finder starts to talk about fields of cornflowers and how he always picked flowers for his grandmother as a child. It’s a nice story, but their voices are too loud and cheerful and feel like sharp needles against his eardrums.  
  
“I’d like to see that,” Kanda soundlessly whispers and his lips are moving on their own. He can’t stop himself. “The whole field, in full bloom.” His eyes jump over white and rose and it’s just so unfair, so terribly unfair. “Someday the two of us could see it together.” He barely brings the last words over his lips. This conversation keeps playing out in his head, again and again. He has tried everything, from meditating over training to screaming into his pillow, when he was way younger, but it doesn’t stop. It will never stop, nothing of this will ever stop.  
  
“ _Really? Even if we’re both old and grey_?” Their smile is blinding, the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. They have nearly reached the shore. It’s weird. He can’t remember their face or name and still he’s so unbelievable in love that it is suffocating.  
  
“ _I’ll wait forever_.”  
  
Kanda closes his eyes. ‘ _And I will love you forever_ ,’ he thinks, his throat feels tight and finally he reaches his limit. His old companion awakens and roars in his chest. They disappear with a last rustling of their dress. Lavi starts to joke and the laughter drives Kanda up the wall. His hands shake uncontrollably and he grinds his teeth. Rage is his guardian. Rage makes the unbearable bearable, at least a little. Rage warms him and burns him simultaneously. Rage is going to destroy him, like it had destroyed Alma, he knows that. He still clings to it, because it’s all that is left, aside from softly whispered words and mute misery.  
  
“Yuu-chan, why are you in a rush?” Lavi’s smiling, he hears it in his voice, and it takes all his might not do turn around and lay his hands around his neck. He shots a look over his shoulder and Lavi’s smile disappears in an instant. He softly frowns, but Kanda keeps walking. He steps out of the water and inhales deeply. The scent is now less strong.  
  
They keep moving and he’s awful for the rest of the day. He’s cruel and it’s inappropriate, but he can’t stop. Rage riots somewhere under his heart and he’s in flames. They don’t find any innocence and the fact that he endured all this for nothing makes it even worse. Rage screams and rips his insides apart. It wants blood and so does Kanda, but Mugen stays in its sheath, because he’s not like Alma. He hates him, right now. He hates him so much, he hates all of them.  
  
And he hates Lavi.  
  
He hates his soft voice, he hates the warmth in his eye, he hates the way he looks at him.  
  
Lavi tries to talk to him, at night in the inn room they share. It’s a mistake. Kanda doesn’t hit him, because if he does there is no way he’s going to stop, until his fists and the walls are full of red, hot and sticky. Instead he grabs him by the collar and shoves him hard enough against the wall that it has to hurt. He sees the pain in his eye, hidden between green and caginess. He also sees hurt, raw and honest.  
  
“Yuu,” he whispers and his hand touches Kanda’s cheek. He turns his head away, because he doesn’t want Lavi to blaze up. “Yuu.” The smell of his own burning flesh is bad enough.  
  
Kanda closes his eyes and suddenly the scent is back. They have just arrived and he hadn’t time to shower and change his clothes. The scent sits in his uniform, in his hair, in his skin. He stumbles back and barely makes it to the toilet. He gags and coughs until his throat burns. Lavi stands in the door and is clever enough to not touch him. Kanda rips his clothes off and steps under the shower and Lavi turns away. The door stays open and Kanda washes himself and especially his hair repeatedly until his skin is reddened and tingles and finally his oldest companion falls silent and his movements are less angular and hectic. He stands under the cold rushing water and closes his eyes for an endless moment, before he towels himself off roughly and brushes his teeth. Then he walks through the little inn room to get fresh clothes.  
  
Lavi looks away and Kanda’s sees heat spreading out on his cheeks. “I’m sorry for attacking you,” he says stiffly and Lavi shakes his head.  
  
“It’s fine,” he says softly and looks at him. His face is still flushed. He hesitates and walks towards him, while Kanda examines him cautiously. He takes his face in his hands and his warm fingers brush over Kanda’s chilled cheeks. “You tell me if I can do something, right?”  
  
Kanda doesn’t answer and suddenly he knows that Lavi is going to kiss him if they stay like this. He steps back and turns away.  
  
“Goodnight,” he says and walks to one of the two narrow beds.  
  
“Goodnight,” Lavi says after a moment and his voice is perfectly calm. He goes to the bathroom and closes the door behind him.  
  
Kanda sits down in silence and lays a hand over his eyes.  
  
“ _I’ll wait forever_.”  
  
He drops his hand and catches a last glimpse of a billowing dress.  
  
It will never stop.


	5. forty-nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All that is going to be left are memories. Of kisses and touches and whispered words. Of a person, who was never supposed to be more than ink on paper, but always has been. 
> 
> (canonverse, angst, hurt)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like always I want to thank you very much for your kudos and comments!  
> I enjoy this fandom and the nice people in it very much.

The light of the full moon spills through Kanda’s broken window and illuminates his face. Lavi lies wide-awake next to him and examines him. He looks younger in his sleep, less stern, less hardened. His eye wanders over his soft features and he absorbs every little detail. The way his hair nestles to his face. How his eyes move under the closed lids. The soft sigh that escapes his slightly opened lips. Kanda looks vulnerable in his sleep and Lavi only knows vaguely about the horrors of his past. They’ve never talked about it, but he notices often the dark circles under Kanda’s eyes, the hard line of his mouth, the away look in his dark eyes. Sometimes Kanda’s eyes go right past him and set on something only he can see. He doesn’t know what haunts him and all he wants to do is to keep it away, to shield him from nightmares and traumata. And he tries so hard, but it’s like catching smoke with bare hands. The memories crawl through his fingers and smother Kanda and there’s nothing he can do.  
  
Especially from now on. Lavi closes his eye for a moment and inhales deeply. He knows that Bookman is waiting for him, for hours, but he can’t bring himself to get up. As soon as he gets up it’s going to be over. The last night with Kanda is going to be over and all that is going to be left are memories. Of kisses and touches and whispered words. Of a person, who was never supposed to be more than ink on paper, but always has been.  
  
The date had been fixed since their arrival, but it had been still so far away. So far, far away. Far away enough to allow Kanda to kiss him, back then. Nearly a year ago, in a deserted corridor. Lavi had only hesitated for a second and then he had closed his eye and leaned heavily against him. He had gotten lost in dark eyes and dark hair, between chapped lips and relentless hands. He had felt so alive, amidst body warmth and the excited beat of his own heart. He had stopped observing and had started to live and it was and is so, so terribly beautiful. And then it had sneaked up to him and suddenly it had only been months, then weeks, then days, then hours and now minutes.  
  
Kanda slightly moves in his sleep and Lavi holds his breath. He turns his head and the moonlight gently brushes over his beautiful face. He had caught Lavi’s eye right after his arrival. Drop-dead gorgeous and angry beyond believe. He had nearly cut him into pieces after Lavi had used his first name for the first time. And yet Lavi had somehow wriggled through a tiny crack in his barricade. Little by little, slowly and carefully, somewhere between fear and fascination and later warmth.  
  
He wants to kiss him, very much. But then Kanda would wake up and he would have to explain the sadness in his eye. Lavi is a magnificent actor, but now he fails terrifically. He sits up soundlessly and climbs out of bed without touching him. And that’s it, the last night is over. Lavi closes his eye for a moment and picks up his clothes and then he allows himself a last look. His eye jumps over Kanda’s features and all he wants is to crawl back into bed, but he doesn’t.  
  
Lavi has to look away and then he notices the hair tie on the windowsill. He hesitates and then he picks up the braided cord, which looks so nice in a sea of inky hair. He replaces it with his bandana, because it feels wrong to take it without giving something back, and turns towards the door. He silently opens it and shots a fast glance over his shoulder. Kanda is still asleep. Lavi takes a very deep breath and leaves the little room.  
  
Every single step hurts and the heart he isn’t supposed to have threatens to shatter in thousands upon thousands of pieces. He slips behind a corner and in his clothes and hides the hair tie in the depths of his pockets. Ōzuchi Kozuchi lies in his room, left behind and already forgotten. He walks fast and unseen through corridors and halls and finally he leaves the building.  
  
Bookman steps out of a shadow and scrutinizes him. His face is perfectly calm and Lavi knows that he’s angry, but he doesn’t care, at least not right now. He needs his whole energy to keep his countenance. His fingers fidget with the hair tie deep in his pocket and they are hundreds of unsaid words in his head, which try to escape his lips. They walk next to each other without talking. Bookman leads the way and Lavi follows without looking back.  
  
They walk for nearly an hour through forests and over meadows and all Lavi can hear is the blood rushing in his ears. Finally they stop at a river and hidden between reeds is a tiny boat. The old man steps into it and Lavi follows, silent and with anxious hands.  
  
Dawn is breaking and the dark blue sky slowly turns lighter and paler and soft rose crawls over the horizon. It’s beautiful. The boat moves slowly through clear water and then he sees a spot of white. A single lotus flower, pure and unblemished, slowly wandering over the surface.  
  
He feels the burning at first behind his eyes and then his façade shatters. Tears well up behind his closed lids and crawl through brown lashes and over freckled cheeks. He hides his face behind his hands and all he can think about is Kanda waking up alone and with the knowledge that Lavi didn’t even say goodbye. Another aching shard in his chest and another burden on his shoulders.  
  
Bookman inhales and Lavi’s hands fall into his lap.  
  
“Don’t,” he whispers and the old man stays silent.


	6. fifty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First he only sees him from behind, but there is no doubt. The line of his neck and the way his ponytail nestles to his back is branded into the folds of his brain. Then he turns around and he has to look away, because he can’t bear the sight of him.
> 
> (canonverse, angst, continuation of "forty-nine")

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for kudos and comments! :)))
> 
> Trigger warning: Blood

The sight of Kanda takes him by complete surprise. He stops dead and is thunderstruck.  
  
First he only sees him from behind, but there is no doubt. The line of his neck and the way his ponytail nestles to his back is branded into the folds of his brain. Then he turns around and he has to look away, because he can’t bear the sight of him.  
  
Kanda is only a few years older, but his eyes have lost their glint. They are dark and empty like well-shafts and the hard line of his mouth is stony. His tattoo has spread out and crawls over his face and disappears in his hairline. In his arms lies a girl, the silver emblems of her coat are covered in blood. She’s young, maybe thirteen or fourteen years old. Another girl clings to Kanda’s coat, she’s even younger. Behind them is a young woman, who’s as calm as Kanda.  
  
“Jake!” Somebody touches his arm and Jake, formally known as Lavi, turns around. It’s one of the nurses. Jake, who’s in this life a paramedic, nods and follows her through the small hospital. He brushes past Bookman, who bends over the victim of a mine accident, and they look at each other for a short moment. He withstands his gaze easily.  
  
One of the nurses takes the girl out of Kanda’s arms and lays her on a table. Kanda’s coat is full of blood and the younger girl bursts into tears.  
  
“General,” she sobs and buries her face in sleeve. “Is she dying?”  
  
Kanda’s face stays perfectly calm. “I don’t know,” he answers blandly and doesn’t even try to comfort her, but he also doesn’t fend her off.  
  
“We’re going to take care of her until one of the doctors can come. There was a huge mine accident,” the nurse explains and the young woman behind Kanda nods. She’s pretty and her eyes are as dead as his. Jake steps closer and now he sees how alike all three of them look. Probably sisters.  
  
“We’re going to do our best,” he says calmly and the little girl looks up to him. As soon as he starts to talk, Kanda’s head snaps in his direction and his expression is impossible to describe. Surprise, disbelief, for the fraction of a second hurt and then something dark and unfathomable. Wrath, pure and seething. They lock eyes and for a moment the world stands still, then the hurt girl starts to cough blood and he has to do his job.  
  
Kanda doesn’t say anything, but Jake feels his gaze on him. He and the nurse try their best, but it’s hopeless. The girl has a several stab wounds in her chest and no matter what they try, the bleeding doesn’t stop. She bleeds out under their hectic hands, while the youngest girl sobs loudly into the coat of her general. Finally a doctor comes and all he can do is to pronounce her dead.  
  
The girl falls on her knees and screams and screams and screams, while her sister looks right through Jake and mute tears roll over her cheeks. Kanda’s eyes wander towards the dead girl and his face is too calm and suddenly Jake wonders how often this had happened in the last years. How many disciples had he lost?  
  
“I’m very sorry for your loss,” Jake says and steps back, because the building is full of wounded people and the sight of Kanda makes him uneasy. He hears his voice, composed and only a little cutting. “Take care of your sister. I’ll get the finders.”  
  
Jake moves through a group of miner’s relatives and walks towards the storage room to have a quiet minute to collect himself, but Kanda has otherwise in mind. He’s barely through the door, when two strong hands grab his arms and roughly spin him around. Kanda shoves him towards the end of the room and then he’s trapped between him and the wall.  
  
For a ridiculous moment he thinks Kanda is going to kiss him, but he doesn’t. Instead he stares at him, his eyes burn cold and dark and right through him. His grip is vicelike and brings tears to Jake’s eye.  
  
They are way too close together. Now he sees the huge dark circles under his eyes and how incredibly pale he is. His uniform is ripped open right under his collar bone and his skin is completely black. He’s getting consumed by his tattoo and suddenly Jake knows that the man in front of him has one foot in the grave. A moving corpse. The coldness of his hands seeps through his shirt and makes him shiver.  
  
“You,” he growls dangerously silent and Jake’s eye jumps over his face. It’s still beautiful, morbidly beautiful.  
  
“Hello Yuu,” Jake says and he doesn’t smile, because in this life he’s earnest and serious. Lavi’s levity and cheerfulness is too hard to bear, because it reminds him of Lenalee’s smile, Allen’s bright eyes and Kanda’s stern mouth on his own. His eye flickers to Kanda’s lips and for a moment he allows himself to remember the taste of green tea, but then Kanda grabs his arm and Jake knows exactly what he is doing.  
  
Kanda’s left hand is completely black and violently turns his arm until a slim braided cord slips out of his sleeve. He closes his fingers around it and rips it off, bruising Jake’s arm. He lets him go and takes a step back. His hand disappears in the pocket of his coat and then he throws a bandana at him. Jake doesn’t catch it.  
  
“Go to hell, Lavi,” he hisses and there is true hurt in his eyes. And then he leaves.  
  
Lavi gazes after him and knows that they will never see each other again. The heart he isn’t supposed to have aches in his chest and he wipes his eye with his sleeve. He only needs a few seconds to compose himself and then he’s Jake again.  
  
He goes back to work and leaves the bandana behind.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading.
> 
> I'm going to post one-shots on a non-regular basis, different genres and different AUs.
> 
> Please keep in mind that I'm not a native speaker. Thank you very much!
> 
> I wish you a beautiful day :)


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